Number 1
The Rolling Stones
Secret to survival: Longevity, personality, and hits — pure and simple.
Natural predators: Tropical vegetation: Keith Richards will fall out of a palm tree again in Fiji. Even if he pops off after his tumble, he will live on as Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of the Caribbean.
The original bad boys of rock have seen, done and survived it all: drugs, death, arrests for moving violations, possession, riots, murdered fans, Jagger’s ‘80s-era jumpsuits, copyright infringement, and members were animated in a late ‘60s Rice Crispies commercial.
Early on, The Rolling Stones were rumored to be sowing the seeds of destruction for polite society, and now they are the longest-lived and most successful franchise in rock. Forbes pegged them at No. 5 on its list of top 100 celebrities in 2004, and No. 1 on its list of music’s top earners in 2005, with a gross of $168 million in U.S. tour earnings.
If the Grim Reaper showed up to escort the band to the afterlife, Mick Jagger would most likely sit him down, make him an offer and put him on the payroll.
Status: Business as usual.
Number 2
Aerosmith
Secret to survival: Find a formula that works and plug in new lyrics.
Natural predators: Past substance abuse catching up to band members.
Nothing stops Aerosmith. By all rights, this band should be a parody of itself. Once you’ve had the career, the fall from grace, the highly publicized addictions, the video game, the pinball game, the appearance on The Simpsons, and massive, chart-topping comebacks, you’re supposed to be the object of derision. Not Aerosmith.
Aerosmith has a knack for clever turn-of-phrases that give you the feeling that Steven Tyler is letting you in on a story so dirty it has to be true. Consistent since 1973, the band can still pull off lean, riff-based hard rock, stripped bare of pretension, but flashy enough to stick to your ribs.
Aerosmith may be getting on, but a short rehearsal clip on the intro of their official website leaves little doubt that they’re in anything but top form. OK, there’s a bit, right near the end of the clip, where it looks like Tyler might be developing man boobs, but Aerosmith still sounds great.
Status: In 2006, Aerosmith embarked with Motley Crue on the “Route of All Evil” tour. According to their site, bassist Tom Hamilton missed the first half of the tour because he was recuperating from throat cancer treatment. A compilation record titled Devil’s Got A New Disguise is expected to drop in October of 2006, and a new studio release is slated for 2007.
Number 3
Metallica
Secret to survival: Monster songs and a monster stage-presence.
Natural predators: Fire, self-doubt, fire, one another, fire, file sharing, fire.
Nobody likes it when their heroes become human. Metallica’s rabid anti-file-sharing stance in the late ‘90s didn’t win glowing reviews. In the end, Metallica’s outrage made the members look like spoiled, rich-ass rock stars, with a tenuous grip on reality.
The line between legitimate outrage and whining depends more on public perception than on what got the band all bent out of shape in the first place. More and more, they came off like sissies than the thunderbolt-wielding, gods of rock that two generations of metalheads had come to know and fear.
The Some Kind of Monster DVD didn’t exactly help. It was a peek into the band’s writing and recording process that included clips of the band and a therapist working to overcome their mutual problems.
Bottom line: Ride the Lightning rocks, but couples therapy for metal bands doesn’t.
Status: Metallica showcased some new material during the European leg of their Escape from the Studio ’06 mini tour. Rick Rubin has stepped in to produce their next effort, and with a September 10, 2006, guest appearance on the The Simpsons there may be some life in the old dog yet.
Number 4
The Who
Secret to survival: Knowing how to say goodbye, but unable to stop saying it.
Natural predators: The London vice squad and their excesses.
Although Pete Townshend wrote the line ”hope I die before I get old,” and Roger Daltrey sang it, it was drummer Keith Moon and Bassist John Entwistle who lived it.
Once dubbed as the loudest and greatest rock band of all time, The Who had a reputation for being as likely to wreck its instruments as it was to trash hotel rooms. Although Moon was the band’s MVP when it came to mayhem and self-destruction, Townshend certainly held his own.
Notoriously self-contradictory in both interviews and lyrics, legend has it Townshend wrote the band’s anthem “Who Are You” after a drunken encounter with two of the Sex Pistols in a Soho bar. Allegedly, he then teetered off and passed out in a gutter until getting a wake-up call from local police. And now “Who Are You” is the theme for CSI.
In later years they gained a reputation for throwing intercontinental retirement parties, disguised as tours, for themselves.
Status: On tour and releasing the new album Endless Wire in October 2006.
Number 5
AC/DC
Secret to survival: Don’t mess with a good thing.
Natural predators: Old age will get the members if the cigarettes don’t, but beyond that there are no known predators.
Onstage or on record, there are no surprises with AC/DC: You get bone-crushing volume, blazing guitar-driven rock that is fueled by sex and mayhem — precisely why there has never been a time when it wasn’t cool to like AC/DC.
The band has fine-tuned the art of giving fans what they want without ever looking like they’re trying to suck up or make nice with fashion or fads. AC/DC is unsinkable. Unfortunately, original singer Bon Scott was found dead in a friend’s car after a night of heavy drinking. At the time, AC/DC was partway through writing the follow-up to Highway to Hell and hired Brian Johnson and his gravelly howl to finish Back In Black. Still one of the best selling hard-rock albums in history, Back In Black’s logo has been the standard-issue metalhead uniform since 1980.
Status: They are off the road, but writing and recording a new album, which will undoubtedly be supported with a tour.
Number 6
KISS
Secret to survival: Unlimited marketing potential and a complete lack of shame.
Natural predators: KISS fears no known predator — if they did, they’d get the rights to its likeness and release a line of action figures and comic books.
In 1972, original KISS drummer Peter Criss placed an ad in Rolling Stone that read, ”EXPD. ROCK & roll drummer looking for orig. grp. doing soft & hard music. Peter, Brooklyn.” Thirty-two years later and more than 80 million records sold, you could say he did the right thing. KISS have continued to make it — “it” being money, by doing anything and everything to succeed — wearing the makeup, taking it off, putting it on again, and swapping various guitarists and drummers.
Although original members Criss and lead guitarist Ace Frehley have been replaced, rehired and ultimately retired, their alter egos haven’t. KISS the band and KISS the brand are essentially one-and-the-same: immutable, and worth a king’s ransom. You name it, they’ve sold it: action figures, comics, wall clocks, coffins, condoms, and fragrances, to name a few.
Remaining originals, Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons have the perfect partnership: Paul does musicals and solo records, and Gene does thousands of women, tell-all books, and fantastic reality shows. In the meantime, they still tour and the money still rolls in.
Status: KISS did some shows in July 2006 and the ever-expanding KISS merch and media empire spits out Paul Stanley’s Live To Win album, the Rock The Nation Live! DVD, and Gene Simmons’ reality show Family Jewels.
Number 7
Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young (CSNY)
Secret to survival: Neil Young
Natural predators: Neil’s touring schedule and public indifference.
Technically speaking, CSNY belong in the dinosaurs-of-folk category. They qualify for this list for the same reason that people are still buying tickets to their show: guilt by association — Neil Young can still draw a crowd.
Along the way, Neil may have made impenetrable, artistic choices, but he has done so with a degree of commitment that you must respect. And he still lays it out on stage. Crosby, Stills & Nash on the other hand, have made equally dubious choices — in David Crosby’s case, that involved going to a Texas prison on drug and gun-possession charges. Long story short, without Neil they’re about as engaging as watching black paint dry in the dark.
Status: Holding on by the seat of Neil’s Pants
Number 8
Alice Cooper
Secret to survival: Replacing a quart-a-day whisky habit with nine-hour days of golf.
Natural predators: Hooded roadies with axes, guillotines and straight jackets, and the water hazard on the ninth hole.
Aside from the odd Staples and Marriott Residence Inns commercials, Cooper has made a career of wise cracking about sex, death and money for more than 30 years. He has inspired a host of bands to exceed his over-the-top and gory theatrics. But in terms of terrifying evangelicals and right-thinking parents, he has been eclipsed by younger, more disturbing acts: Marilyn Manson, GWAR, Cradle of Filth, and Slipknot. The list goes on, but so does Alice.
He isn’t scary anymore — the gig was up when Christian-crooner Pat Boone covered a Cooper tune — but Alice is still one hell of a golfer. Besides, what he lacks in outright badness, he makes up for with hundreds of latex body parts, and by occasionally beheading a Britney Spears look-a-like on stage.
Status: Rock, golf, rock, golf — repeat as necessary — we know Alice does.
Number 9
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Secret to survival: Liberal applications of denial, perseverance, and sheer and bloody determination.
Natural predators: Death, all death’s minions, and death’s family — Mama and Baby Death.
What can you say? After making five albums, the band lost three members in a 1977 plane crash, including lead singer and songwriter Ronnie Van Zant — and they’ve been going strong ever since.
Most people would’ve packed it in right then. If not then, then maybe after guitarist Allen Collins died from pneumonia, which was the result of earlier injuries — or when Ed King retired in ’95 with congestive heart failure — or when bassist Leon Wilkeson died in 2001. Does anyone see a pattern here?
According to Skynyrd’s website, it was a stroke of bad luck that brought the band together: While watching a baseball game with guitarist Gary Rossington, drummer Bob Burns was knocked unconscious, courtesy of a line-drive hit by Ronnie. The three became fast friends and formed a band. Burns left the band in 1975 for undefined health reasons. Johnny Van Zant has fronted the band since his brother’s death.
Status: Skynyrd is going strong with summer festivals, corporate gigs and casino shows, which run through 2007.
Number 10
Ted Nugent
Secret to survival: High volume, big mouth and small arms.
Natural predators: Creeping irrelevance and democrats.
In the late ‘70s Ted Nugent was the top-grossing touring act in the world for three years and he has toured every year since 1968. Love him or hate him, he brings the same wild-eyed, crazy-ass energy that made “Cat Scratch Fever” and “Stranglehold” huge, to everything he does.
A lifetime member and sitting director on the board of the NRA, he’s also a radio host, a Michigan sheriff’s deputy and the author of several books, including God, Guns and Rock-N-Roll and Kill It And Grill It. Pro-gun, pro-right and vehemently anti-drug and anti-alcohol, Nugent breaks the mold of your average rocker when it comes to excess, but not when it comes to self-promotion.
Since 2003, Ted has unleashed a series of TV shows, including Surviving Nugent, Spirit Of The Wild, which won the coveted Golden Moose Award for best hunting show, and Wanted: Ted Or Alive. In 2006, he teamed up with Sebastian Bach, Scott Ian, Evan Seinfeld, and Jason Bonham to form Damnocracy on VH1’s Supergroup.
Status: Splitting his time equally between touring and shooting things.
